BOFH and the pointless questionnaire | The Register:BOFH and the pointless questionnaire

"It doesn't pay to ask questions! We already know what people want - everything, yesterday. AND we know that they're used to disappointment. But if you start asking them what they think we should be doing, you'll just ignite a spark of hope"

"A spark is a good thing!"

"Not when I stamp that spark out with the cold hard boot of reality."

"What?! Why? I happen to think that some of the staff may have something valuable to contribute!"

"To the lengthening unemployment queues, yes. But you don't want them mixing stupidity with technology. That's your job. Leave it to them and they'll be recommending that we upgrade to those 'new' voice-operated computers they saw on Bladerunner... ... Oh, and you definitely don't want to be asking for any additional comments they might have about IT, the department, or our ongoing strategy."

"Why not!?"

"Because it's a drift net for stupid ideas. Sure, you'll get one or two people who actually give a sane suggestion, but then you'll hit all the dolphins - the people who, because they've been asked to contribute feel that they have to contribute - like it's an intelligence test or something. Only they've got nothing useful to contribute, so they start off on some innovative tangent, like if we installed a large plasma screen in reception we could use it to have customised messages of the day for staff and visitors, etc, instead of what it would really be used for"

"Which would be?"

"Security would use it to watch porn movies late at night when everyone's left the building."

"Oh I doubt that. Though the screen itself sounds like a good idea!"

"They all sound like good ideas...!"

"So what do you suggest?"

"Lets start with basic concepts. Firstly, the only cavassing of users you should be doing is with a heavy tarpaulin, a stack of bricks and a deep stretch of water"


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